Motel

The last time Itchy had buns of steel, it was because we left them in the oven too long. The only tight thing about us is our reluctance to buy loo roll from anywhere but the Pound Shop, even if it is like wiping our asses with tracing paper (hey, dual functionality - that's value). The hardest bit of working out we do is adding up the price of a round down the local, or relieving ourselves from the odd bout of constipation. As a result, we're presently porkier than a Melton Mowbray factory. But the Holistic System is going to help us shape up. Based on theories over 2,500 years old, the programme is designed to treat the whole human being, with massage therapies, nutrition advice, and exercise plans. Remedial deep tissue treatments are a godsend for bad backs, and the diet and lifestyle suggestions are realistic and designed to be long-lasting rather than faddy. You're not pushed into signing for long courses if you just want a coaching session or two to get your routine on track, and a one-to-one check up is a decent investment if you're looking to commit to a healthier lifestyle and need some tips or support - Itchy was pleasantly surprised to be impressed with what's on offer. Considering how personal the service is, prices are very reasonable too; try an Indian head massage at GBP25 for 45 minutes, or sample an hour and a half of hot stone relaxation for GBP55 (plonking Itchy's burnt rock cakes on your spine just ain't the same).

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